I'm a huge nerd for stand-up comedy. I follow it the way people follow indie-rock or underground hip hop.
So, as a comedy nerd, no, as a human being with a sense of humor and half an intellect, let me voice my opinion that Margaret Cho sucks. She's one of those comedians that has harnessed a dumb cross section of the population. She's the Larry the Cable Guy for liberals.
I'll admit she was funny in the early 90s. And now, she has become this:
She brings nothing original to the table. She is not funny. I hate it that someone who is so painfully average in their attempt at art is praised the way she is. Basically, she's the teacher in Art School Confidential who paints triangles over and over again, because that's what he's found his niche in. (Yes, Matt Jones, I copied this comparison from you. Whatchu gon' do bout it homie?) She's found her niche in humoring liberal idiots with gay stereotypes, fake ebonics, and anti-Bush shit talking. We've heard it before Margaret. We've heard it. Can you at least say it in a way that's new and perhaps funny?
So, let me put it in a way that Margaret Cho would be able to understand,
Girlfrenn, u ain't funnay. U needs a new job o some shyit.
By the way, this is funny stand-up:
Yeah, a bit about gay marriage that is original and funny.
And here, my favorite female comedian, Maria Bramford on George W Bush, kind of:
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A Love Supreme
I don't want anyone to think I've converted to Christianity or anything but this is the shit:
It's Part 4 of John Coltrane's A Love Supreme, performed live with the liner notes being read throughout. I find it to be oh so soothing. Anyone who knows me would describe me as a staunch athiest. Call me a hippie, but I'm of the opinion that God is the title you could give to everything in existence. The Sun is God, the Moon is God, Gravity is God, Electric Eels, Caffeine Addiction, Cancer, Trees, Fleas, Snow Peas. This life we all are a part of as well as the death that follows are God.
Clearly, Evolution is God. It thinks. It reacts. Yet I don't believe God is a man in the sky that judges us for how we have sex, or who we vote for, or if we cram our bodies, bound by loneliness, into a building, read from a book, and give money to a man with a funny hat.
So, yeah, God is a thing without shape. A shapeless thing that thinks. Like a jellyfish.
It's Part 4 of John Coltrane's A Love Supreme, performed live with the liner notes being read throughout. I find it to be oh so soothing. Anyone who knows me would describe me as a staunch athiest. Call me a hippie, but I'm of the opinion that God is the title you could give to everything in existence. The Sun is God, the Moon is God, Gravity is God, Electric Eels, Caffeine Addiction, Cancer, Trees, Fleas, Snow Peas. This life we all are a part of as well as the death that follows are God.
Clearly, Evolution is God. It thinks. It reacts. Yet I don't believe God is a man in the sky that judges us for how we have sex, or who we vote for, or if we cram our bodies, bound by loneliness, into a building, read from a book, and give money to a man with a funny hat.
So, yeah, God is a thing without shape. A shapeless thing that thinks. Like a jellyfish.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Freedom of Speech
People's youtube comments never cease to amaze me.
This is the comment on a video entitled "Re: DON'T FUCK CHILDREN". I don't really know how I got to this video in the first place.
This is the comment on a video entitled "Re: DON'T FUCK CHILDREN". I don't really know how I got to this video in the first place.
buffalosoldier90 (7 months ago)
wen i was in prison i bent over sum dude who got convicted for fuckin hisn 11 yr old niece. i plugged his ass for a good 40 minutes then pulled out and made him suck the blood and poop off my dick(it was his first dick and after 40 minutes he was bleedin alot). i told him if he didnt say it tased like a yummy popsicle i wuz gonna knock out his teeth and make him gimme a gumjob
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
#1 Child Artist - part 2 "Slape Me"
I really like how the teacher ignored any signs that this was somehow child abuse, and just stamped it anyway. "Good!" I probably deserved getting "slaped" in the face anyway.
Child Artist #1
You know those journals you had to keep in elementary school? Well, guess what? My mom kept pretty much all of them. I got my hands on them recently and I've finally started scanning them onto the internets.
This is the first in a series of I don't know how many.
Nice penis shaped hat. You know with a hat that big, he has to be the owner of the barkey.
This is the first in a series of I don't know how many.
Nice penis shaped hat. You know with a hat that big, he has to be the owner of the barkey.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
RIP Tourette's Guy
Tourette's Guy never gets old. Thanks to fixthemetal for reminding me of this shit. I had no idea that he passed away, but, I mean, he did seem to be quite a tortured guy.
Who says mental illness can't be funny?
Who says mental illness can't be funny?
The Lights
The plan for me to shoot this piece fell through, so in the meantime, I'm just going to post the script I wrote here.
This piece is based upon events that have actually occurred to me. Notice that I said "based", because three quarters of this script is solely of my own creation. Most of the dialogue in "The Lights" never happened, they are simply pieces of my internal monologue that branched off into other imagined sequences.
I can't seem to find a better place to put this thing, so here I will put it, freshly copied and pasted. Oh, and If I see anyone using it, I will kill them.
Just kidding.
No, I'm not.
So, here it is, to prove that I'm competent of finishing something that I start.
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
LOGAN and MAGGIE continue to make out as MAGGIE moves the both of them toward the light switch. She turns the light switch off. There is no light. It is absolutely pitch black in the room.
LOGAN turns the light switch back on, the entire time the two have not stopped sucking face.
LOGAN and MAGGIE, still inseparable, move toward the bed. Almost at the foot of the bed, in the middle of the room, MAGGIE reaches toward the ceiling fan and pulls the string of the bedroom light. Having outsmarted him, there is complete darkness again.
INT. IN BED - CONTINUOUS
In the darkness, LOGAN turns on a small lamp which sits on a bedside dresser. The light reveals the two in bed. LOGAN is shirtless and in his underwear. MAGGIE is down to her bra but still is in jeans.
LOGAN
Why do you keep turning off the light?
MAGGIE
I don't like the light.
LOGAN
Why not?
MAGGIE
You know . . . I just have body issues. That's all.
LOGAN
But I want to see you.
MAGGIE
You can see me. There's enough light.
LOGAN
Maggie, I'm sorry, but . . . you're black.
MAGGIE
Wait a minute . . . You're sorry I'm black?
LOGAN
No! That's not what I mean!
MAGGIE begins to get out of the covers and leave as LOGAN protests.
He grabs her by the arm. MAGGIE stops to listen though she is visibly upset.
LOGAN quickly turns off the light. In the darkness, MAGGIE disappears. LOGAN is clearly visible.
LOGAN turns the light back on.
Both are yelling.
MAGGIE just sits at the edge of the bed. LOGAN is sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. He is speechless.
MAGGIE repositions herself close to LOGAN. They turn to one another, looking into one another's eyes.
LOGAN
I guess we're both kinda racist.
LOGAN
I still want the light on though.
MAGGIE
No! I told you I have body issues!
LOGAN
Body issues? Maggie, look at me! I'm covered with body hair and shitty tattoos.
MAGGIE nods agreeingly.
MAGGIE climbs onto LOGAN, straddling him. They begin kissing again.
This piece is based upon events that have actually occurred to me. Notice that I said "based", because three quarters of this script is solely of my own creation. Most of the dialogue in "The Lights" never happened, they are simply pieces of my internal monologue that branched off into other imagined sequences.
I can't seem to find a better place to put this thing, so here I will put it, freshly copied and pasted. Oh, and If I see anyone using it, I will kill them.
Just kidding.
No, I'm not.
So, here it is, to prove that I'm competent of finishing something that I start.
------------------------------------------------------
THE LIGHTS
LOGAN, a white male in his 20s, and MAGGIE, a black female in her 20s, are making out heavily as they sidewind their way out of the living room and into the bedroom doorway.INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
LOGAN and MAGGIE continue to make out as MAGGIE moves the both of them toward the light switch. She turns the light switch off. There is no light. It is absolutely pitch black in the room.
LOGAN turns the light switch back on, the entire time the two have not stopped sucking face.
LOGAN and MAGGIE, still inseparable, move toward the bed. Almost at the foot of the bed, in the middle of the room, MAGGIE reaches toward the ceiling fan and pulls the string of the bedroom light. Having outsmarted him, there is complete darkness again.
INT. IN BED - CONTINUOUS
In the darkness, LOGAN turns on a small lamp which sits on a bedside dresser. The light reveals the two in bed. LOGAN is shirtless and in his underwear. MAGGIE is down to her bra but still is in jeans.
LOGAN
Why do you keep turning off the light?
MAGGIE
I don't like the light.
LOGAN
Why not?
MAGGIE
You know . . . I just have body issues. That's all.
LOGAN
But I want to see you.
MAGGIE
You can see me. There's enough light.
LOGAN
Maggie, I'm sorry, but . . . you're black.
MAGGIE
Wait a minute . . . You're sorry I'm black?
LOGAN
No! That's not what I mean!
MAGGIE begins to get out of the covers and leave as LOGAN protests.
He grabs her by the arm. MAGGIE stops to listen though she is visibly upset.
LOGAN
No, Maggie. I love that you're black. You're beautiful. And it's a beautiful thing that we have here. It's just that . . . when you turn off the lights, I can't see you.
MAGGIE
I cannot believe you. You ridiculous man. Logan . . .
LOGAN
Just watch.
No, Maggie. I love that you're black. You're beautiful. And it's a beautiful thing that we have here. It's just that . . . when you turn off the lights, I can't see you.
MAGGIE
I cannot believe you. You ridiculous man. Logan . . .
LOGAN
Just watch.
LOGAN quickly turns off the light. In the darkness, MAGGIE disappears. LOGAN is clearly visible.
LOGAN turns the light back on.
Both are yelling.
MAGGIE
Oh my God.
LOGAN
I told you!
MAGGIE
I cannot believe you just did that. What is wrong with you?!
LOGAN
See what I mean? See?!
MAGGIE
See what?! What the fuck was turning off the light for a second supposed to prove?!
LOGAN
I told you! I can't see you in the dark!
MAGGIE
Why the fuck do you wanna see me so badly anyway? Oh, I know, you just wanna see me so you can keep sayin' to yourself,
(in mocking white voice)
"Oh my God, I'm actually fucking a black girl. Wait until the guys hear about this back at the office."
LOGAN
I told you!
MAGGIE
I cannot believe you just did that. What is wrong with you?!
LOGAN
See what I mean? See?!
MAGGIE
See what?! What the fuck was turning off the light for a second supposed to prove?!
LOGAN
I told you! I can't see you in the dark!
MAGGIE
Why the fuck do you wanna see me so badly anyway? Oh, I know, you just wanna see me so you can keep sayin' to yourself,
(in mocking white voice)
"Oh my God, I'm actually fucking a black girl. Wait until the guys hear about this back at the office."
MAGGIE just sits at the edge of the bed. LOGAN is sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. He is speechless.
MAGGIE
Racist shithead.
LOGAN
Racist?! You're calling me a racist?! What the fuck was that white voice all about? That's unfair!
MAGGIE
(Sighing)
You're right. I'm sorry.
Racist shithead.
LOGAN
Racist?! You're calling me a racist?! What the fuck was that white voice all about? That's unfair!
MAGGIE
(Sighing)
You're right. I'm sorry.
MAGGIE repositions herself close to LOGAN. They turn to one another, looking into one another's eyes.
LOGAN
I guess we're both kinda racist.
MAGGIE and LOGAN kiss.
LOGAN
I still want the light on though.
MAGGIE
No! I told you I have body issues!
LOGAN
Body issues? Maggie, look at me! I'm covered with body hair and shitty tattoos.
MAGGIE nods agreeingly.
LOGAN
And I'm really white. I mean, I feel sorry for you. It must be like making it with some kind of albino gorilla.
MAGGIE laughs. LOGAN nudges her.
MAGGIE
I still don't get it why it is that you absolutely have to see me.
LOGAN
Come on. You don't think that visual stimulation is an important part of sexual intercourse?
MAGGIE
(sarcastically)
Oh my, you really know how to get a girl in the mood. I just love it when you say "stimulation". Mmm "intercourse". Makes me sooo wet!
LOGAN
Yeah, yeah. Shut up.
And I'm really white. I mean, I feel sorry for you. It must be like making it with some kind of albino gorilla.
MAGGIE laughs. LOGAN nudges her.
MAGGIE
I still don't get it why it is that you absolutely have to see me.
LOGAN
Come on. You don't think that visual stimulation is an important part of sexual intercourse?
MAGGIE
(sarcastically)
Oh my, you really know how to get a girl in the mood. I just love it when you say "stimulation". Mmm "intercourse". Makes me sooo wet!
LOGAN
Yeah, yeah. Shut up.
MAGGIE climbs onto LOGAN, straddling him. They begin kissing again.
MAGGIE
You're just lucky you have a big dick.
The two continue kissing a few more times.
LOGAN
Ya know that really means a lot coming from a black girl.
MAGGIE turns off the light.
You're just lucky you have a big dick.
The two continue kissing a few more times.
LOGAN
Ya know that really means a lot coming from a black girl.
MAGGIE turns off the light.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Illegal Use Of hands
Great new movie coming out. Actually, I don't now if it's coming out or if this is just a trailer for a fake movie. Either way it has two of my favorite new comedians, Kyle Kinane and Matt Braunger.
Devo kills it
The choreography in this video is just amazing. And purple dome hats instead of red? Brutal.
The purpose of the hats, called "energy domes", according to the devo website:
It was designed according to ancient ziggaurat mound proportions used in votive worship. Like the mounds it collects energy and recirculates it. In this case the Dome collects energy that escapes from the crown of the human head and pushes it back into the Medula Oblongata for increased mental energy. It's very important that you buy a cheap plastic hardhat liner, adjust it to your head size and affix it with duct tape or Super Glue to the inside of the Dome. This allows the Dome to "float" just above the cranium and thus do its job. Unfortunately, sans hard hat liner, the recirculation of energy WILL NOT occur.
The purpose of the hats, called "energy domes", according to the devo website:
It was designed according to ancient ziggaurat mound proportions used in votive worship. Like the mounds it collects energy and recirculates it. In this case the Dome collects energy that escapes from the crown of the human head and pushes it back into the Medula Oblongata for increased mental energy. It's very important that you buy a cheap plastic hardhat liner, adjust it to your head size and affix it with duct tape or Super Glue to the inside of the Dome. This allows the Dome to "float" just above the cranium and thus do its job. Unfortunately, sans hard hat liner, the recirculation of energy WILL NOT occur.
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